I've recently come to the realization that I'm tired of hating myself. Yes, I'm fat. Being fat isn't who I am. Being fat is just what I look like. It doesn't change my personality. I'm still the same person I was 5 years ago before I got fat.

I came to this conclusion when I was working out and working out and working out, eating healthy and doing everything right and I still wasn't losing weight. I was hating seeing myself in the mirror and clothes shopping.

I've decided that I will not spend hours every day working out. The only time I ever saw improvement was when I was working out 3 hours per day. That isn't realistic. I can't do that every day.

Yes, I will watch what I eat. Yes, I will do some sort of physical activity. No, I will not weigh myself all the time. I will not focus on the number. I will focus on being happy. I'm done hating myself.

I'm healthy. There isn't anything really wrong with me. PCOS started before I was fat. I'm still beautiful. My husband thinks I'm beautiful. I deserve to be happy. I will gain self-esteem and confidence.

I owe it to myself.

                 HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

I hope you all had a safe and fun NYE. We had a great time. Movies, food and lots of wine. It was great.

Like every year, I make 2 or 3 resolutions. This year I'm keeping it simple. I want to read 20 books and I want to lose 20 lbs. I also want to make 20 new dishes. I will make 1 new meal every 2 weeks and post how it went.

I'm fairly excited about it. I'm going to pick up a healthy eating cookbook and use that for my 20-dishes challenge. I love cooking so this challenge will help me expand on my skill level and love of cooking.

2012 will also be the year we potty train Dechlan. Already today he has used the potty once. Mind you, 5 minutes later he came into the room with wet underpants. He really hates the potty. He WILL get potty trained. I'm sick of diapers.

Do you make New Year resolutions? Anything special happening in 2012? I want to hear all about it!

I've been slacking on posting. I've had a really sore back and tummy bug for almost a week. Today is the first day that I've felt great. Barely any back ache and the tummy bug is completely gone.

So today I've gotten back on the weight loss wagon. I set out to just do do minutes at medium intensity but I ended up doing 1 medium intensity and 1 high intensity workout and then did 40 minutes of aerobics for a total of 90 minutes. I'm quite surprised at myself. I burned roughly 730 calories in that time.

I love working out. I don't really like the sweat though. I have a tendency to give up after a week though. I just get lazy. I'm trying to do a 30 day challenge. I really want to complete it.

I don't know if any of my readers use game systems to workout or not, but I think it's a great way to workout at home. I have a toddler that doesn't do well in the gyms daycare so I like to workout at home. I have a few workout DVD's but only really use 1 of them. It's called Pure Strength by Bob Harper. I do the beginners workout that is just 20-30 minutes. It's a great way to get some strength training in at home.

Getting back to the game system workouts, I like Wii Fit Plus as a way to add to my routines. It's great. I've had success on just doing Wii Fit before. The first time I tried to lose weight I lost 20lbs just doing Wii Fit. Now I'm using EA Active on the Wii and I'm inlove with it. It has amazing workouts. The kinds I would do with my trainer. It's great!

I'm going to be very honest with everyone and myself, I've gone back up to 250lbs. That is 5lbs heavier than I was 2 months ago. I'm ashamed of the 5lb gain but I'm proud that I'm trying again. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

I will admit that my eating wasn't 100% perfect this week but I put on 2lbs. 2 effing pounds. Yes, weight loss is not my main goal right now, but seeing the number on the scale today really ticked me off. I'm hoping to hear back from my trainer to find out if it was muscle. I'm doubting it though. I hate weighing myself.

Good news is that I'm HURTING from my workouts this week. That's a good and bad sign. It means I'm out of shape compared to 2 months ago but good because I clearly worked hard enough for it to hurt for 3 days. I've promised myself that I'm going to do some working out at home and maybe do some quick bursts of cardio. I HATE running since it hurts my shins. I love walking but walking on the treadmill is boring as hell. Walking outside is just out of the question since it's fall and it rains almost every day.

Here is my promise for the weekend:

I promise to do a minimum of 30 minutes of strength training every day. I will jog on the spot for 1 minute on 1 minute off for 20-30 minutes as well.  

I will report back every day and let you know what I did!

I took quite some time off from working out and eating right. I've been kind of quiet about why I quit. I honestly didn't think I was going to go back to working out. I was actually starting to think that I would grow to be okay with being obese. My trainer, Anna kindly asked to meet up and talk about how things were going. So we met up and she and I decided that we will change up our workout routine and not focus so much on weight loss. We're focusing on getting my core and back strength up to where it should be.

Here is the truth, I stopped working out because I just couldn't handle the back pain any longer. I've had back issues since I was a young and being as heavy as I am now, it makes the pain worse. SO, Anna and I are only doing 2 days/week and that will help with my future goals of getting thin again.

We had our first session in over 2 months. It was hard. Not like it was before. She gave me some 'homework' to do at home so that I can get into shape faster. I'm also going to start tracking my food and see how I do.